I'm a butt

Amelie loves a game she created called Animals.  We all pretend to be an animal. I try so hard to enjoy it but I don't always play well.  I get bored with it or distracted but it's good for me to engage, so I do.

Brielle is starting to like the game too.  Tonight as we all put Brielle to bed we sat in her room, had a dance party, read books and gave kissies and huggies to each other.  It was fun.

Of course we promised Amelie that we would all play one round of animals and Brielle is always a kitty.  Tonight for the first time Brielle branched out and decided to be something different.  I got excited and asked her what she wanted to be.

Her answer...."I'm a butt", and then she proceeded to make fart sounds with her mouth.

Thanks for keeping it real Brielle :)

Amelie and Brielle...isms

I figured I need to document some of the isms the girls have these days at almost 4 and almost 2 years old:

Amelie:

I walked into Amelie's room to wake her up the other morning and she was just stretching and she was awake.  She looks at me and puts on some fake waterworks and says with sniffles, "Mommy, I just really really want a real unicorn".   Wow!!! that was hilarious.

Brad picked her up from Nana's house in the evening the other day and when they walked into the house she could smell the crock pot dinner and she says, "That smells wonderfully delicious".  When did she get so proper?

Now, the last one for Amelie is not something I want to admit, but heck...this blog is all about failures so here it goes.  Brad told her that her fan was broken so she looked at him and said, "Damn it".  Yeah...that one's my fault.

Brielle:

wop wop = Flip Flops (which she loves to wear because she is a true California girl)

meenums = all stuffed animals or lovies

dodo & dada = Diego and Dora (whom she can't live without. Each one has to be clenched in each fist at all times.)

owwwweeeee = I had a terrible cold sore and it was so hard to not be able to kiss on the girls, so every time we got close Brielle would yell and point at my lip and say Owwweeeee.  It's been a good week since it healed and she still says it every time she kisses me.  It's cute, but I don't need a reminder that I have a form of herpes...thanks B.

Bubbo Duppies = Pam got these little stuffed animals that Brielle got to pick out at the toy store called Bubble Guppies and she is now clenching to them just like Dodo and Dada.  If sissy touches them at all Brielle comes running and screaming NO SISSY, BWIELLE MIIIINE!!!!

O'Tay Mommy = Brielle likes to tell us no a lot and it's not cool, so she goes in time out.  After every time out I make her say sorry mommy or with a correction she has to say ok mommy.  Well, lately she will say sorry sissy, or sorry daddy, or whoever's name is not my name.  At first I kindly repeated what I was asking for thinking she didn't understand but I now know that she does it on purpose to be defiant.  Clever little girl.  If she choses not to say mommy, she goes in another time out.  I am NOT losing that battle...ever!!!

Yeah...I knoooow = when I tell her something she tends to answer me with "Yeah, I know".  It's cute because she says it a lot and I like feeling like she gets what I'm saying.

That's it for now.  I don't ever want to forget their isms because when we looked at old videos of Amelie this week we were shocked that we forgot some of her isms that were such a strong part of our lives and how the memory flutters away.  It's sad to think about but there will always be new isms to warm our hearts.

AMY!!!!

Many times a day Brielle yells my name...no, not MOMMY, she yells Amy.  I was a little dumbfounded at first and then I realized that she was saying Airplane.  She would point to the sky and yell AAMMMMYYYY!!!!

It still shocks me a little bit but it's pretty cute.

She is going to be two this month and we came across videos of Amelie at the same age and what a huge difference.  Amelie has tons of hair and speaks a lot better.  She was speaking full sentences and Brielle is still struggling to say words that we can understand.  It doesn't bother me at all because I know she is very bright and personable.  She also has tons of chatter so I know she is trying and understands our influxes.  It was just surprising to see the difference.

Sometimes I wonder if it's just natural development or if it's because Amelie dominates everything.  It's been an issue her whole life.  I love it in the sense that she is a natural leader, but it sometimes squashes the people around her and it's a hard issue to handle.  I find myself getting very short with her and I wonder sometimes if I'm too hard on her or not hard enough.  There is certainly no manual for parenting or else we would all be robots.

I don't want to break her spirit but I don't want her overpowering her sister either.

I really see Brielle thrive during the bed time routine when I close her door and just she and I sit on the floor and read books and do some learning, repeating, and asking her questions.  She seems very calm and eager to learn.  Well, tonight Brad and Amelie came in the room and Brielle got antsy and whiney, and territorial.  This tells me that she needs more one on one time and that each night I will continue to dedicate a lot of me time with her.  I too enjoy it a lot.

Moving her to a toddler bed was the best thing we could have ever done as well.  She loves to have the freedom to read books and I love being able to lay with her and laugh and sing songs and say prayers together.

She and I are bonding a lot now and it's great.  I needed that from her.  I've always felt a different kind of attachment with her and I'm feeling much more connected.

It feels good and I love her dearly.  My sweet sweet Brielle.

Growing Up

I am a working mom now and I like it and I hate it.  I miss my girls, but I like making money and I like having adult time.  I especially like using my brain and not being interrupted with screaming and juvenile demands.

The girls have adapted well and everyone seems very happy.  The one thing I notice is that Brielle has a serious bond with her Nana Pam.  Just like work, I love it and I hate it.  I mostly love it but in my insecurities I hate it.  I would have it no other way for Pam and Brielle but sometimes I feel a little jealous.  It's not their fault and I should just count my blessings that they have such a wonderful caretaker that loves them so deeply.

I have that bond with Amelie that we are just super connected but sometimes I can't find the "click" moment with Brielle.  Her busyness and attitude make her very complex.  Although, she is 100% ME.

Since moving her to her toddler bed this weekend I am noticing that connection that I have so desired.  I remember with Amelie, switching her to her toddler bed brought a sense of accomplishment and responsibility.  It's like their first right of passage from baby to kid.  They are so excited when you put the bed in their room but the moment you leave them there by themselves they sorta panic.  They have to control themselves and at 2, that's a hard to do.

I will say that I was AMAZED at Brielle's ability to adapt.  She cried a bit but honestly, she cries less now than she did in her crib.  And, I get to lay with her and look into her eyes while she winds down, sings songs, and giggles. That connection for me is priceless.  It was like a "finally" moment where I just got to hang out with her and comfort her and show her that all I want to do is be her mommy.  I want to laugh with her, cry with her, sing with her, cuddle her, tickle her...etc.

And I want to do these things FOREVER.  I sometimes mourn the baby stages, but since I have no control over it, I realize that every stage is amazing and if I mother them properly, they will always want that connection.

I love these kids so much and pray that we will always feel this connected no matter what our age.  I will support their every desire and need with respect and patience.

Please...everyone...hold me to that :)

In baby talk land...

Amelie (3 1/2 years old):

We went "Viking" and Amelie got a "Piggy Bank Ride". (Piggy back ride)

At church she made a sheep that had "Wolf" on it. (wool)

She also ran around the house looking through her "Noculators". (binoculars)

And when she was talking to my mom she gave the household report that Brielle was awake, Mommy was awake, and daddy was being grumpy.  YES!!!  she said it not me.  It was hilarious.

She sings a bedtime song that finishes with "And nestle into my nap".  She says "Neffle"

Brielle (20 months):

Brielle sings a part of twinkle twinkle little star like this..."Up a word so high".......all day

Her stuffed animal named Muno is "Meenum"

She says butt like BUTT and Amelie thinks it's hilarious and keeps saying "Brielle, say Butt...hahaha"

She also likes to shake her finger and say "NO NO"

Brielle the Tenacious

Yesterday may have been the hardest day yet with Brielle.  As her mom I want to help her figure out her problems and for a few hours I was an epic failure.

For a few months she has been struggling with me working.  She gets very mad at me when I come to pick her up.  I love that she loves her nana so much but I don't like that feeling of rejection.  I ignored it for the most part but it finally caught up to me.  I want my kids to want me, to need me, to love me...all the time, but they are human and that is an unachievable expectation.

Basically, she wouldn't take a nap and screamed for 2.5 hours.  I tried to comfort her and rock her and hold her and talk to her and sing to her.  She wanted nothing to do with me. She was mad at everything I tried.  I finally sat on the floor with her and she backed up and kept shaking her head no.  She didn't even want me looking at her.  I was feeling very anxious but remained calm.  I offered myself to her but she wasn't having it.  I finally put her back in bed and sweetly said it's nigh night time.  She freaked.

Then, Amelie started getting snotty so everyone went to bed.

I reached out to a few people and finally got ahold of my stepmom.  She answered the phone with..."are you crying?"

The feelings that I had for Brielle at that moment were intense and unacceptable but Carolle just listened and then offered some great advice.  The best thing to hear as a mom is that it's a season, it's a phase, and it will pass.  In the moment I feel like I don't like her, I don't know how to connect with her, and I don't know how to be her mom.  These are horrible feelings and once I can step out of the issue I realize it's the biggest lie that could ever be imagined or told.

Truly, it's these moments that make me realize how much I really do love her, I'm so deeply bonded with her, and I have been given the most amazing challenge and privilege...I am her mom.

And, it's these moments that show me why God put her on this earth.  In her youth she will make me a better person, but as an adult, she will change the world.

So, I guess I need to say Thank you Brielle.  Thank you for your tenacity.  Thank you for making me a better person and showing me my strengths and certainly my weaknesses.  It is an honor to so intimately be a part of your life and watch you grow up to do great things.

You are this magical blessing that enriches my life every day.

Amelie's new boobies

Amelie had some weird bumps appear on her body recently. They are fading and all is well. We are hoping it was just some skin irritation. But, she got used to me asking how her bumps looked over the past week and she decided to ramp up her imagination

Finally after a few days, she told me that they weren't bumps, they were her new boobies. Apparently she has lots of new boobies now. She also has 4...yes...exactly 4 new friends called baby Amelie's. They follow her everywhere, they have lots of wonderful conversations with her, and she takes great care of them.

How do these two things go together you ask? Well, tonight she put all of her baby Amelie's under her shirt so that they could nurse on all of her new boobies. Yes, she actually said, "nurse".

Her imagination has been running wild and I love it. It's hard to chose what to document because every day is something so new and funny. I want to compartmentalize everything she does and have it fully documented. That's why I like blogging. I don't have a lot of time for it, but it's worth it. I look forward to her reading this someday and reminiscing about these amazing first years with her. It's tough, and very challenging having little ones but they are so brilliant and amazing. They bring me so much joy and I am so grateful for this experience.

I love you Amelie Mae...and all of your new friends and especially all of your new boobies.

Not wanting to grow up

Until Amelie was born, I was the only kid on the planet that didn't want to grow up. I still remember not wanting to turn 4 and my mom secretly telling me that I didn't have to turn 4, but I did have to go to my party where everyone was waiting for me.

Well, Amelie doesn't want to be 3. She constantly reminds me that she still wants to be 2. And she never says "when I grow up...". She says, "When I was bigger....". I try to tell her that she can't go backwards, but I don't want to break her heart. I of all people understand her pain. I just want my mommy to hold me all the time, wipe my tears, and take care of me. (I would also like my daddy to pay my bills...what do you say, dad???)

The best moment was when she went to the dentist and the dentist kept trying to talk her out of sucking her thumb. She would say things like, if you turn 3 and you suck your thumb you will get monsters in your mouth and I was like...she doesn't even know what monsters are. She then said that her fingers are dirty and that is icky to put them in your mouth. I told her...she doesn't care about dirt. She then tried to tell her that she won't be able to be a big girl if she sucks her thumb and I was like...GREAT...she doesn't want to grow up anyways...thanks a lot.

The dentist looked at me like good luck with that one...I've got nothing left. You can't really penetrate this girl. If she wants something she will get it. If she doesn't want something, she will make damn sure it doesn't happen. Some of my friends struggle with the will of their children and I encourage them to embrace it and try to smile about it. It's a beautiful thing.

Picture that kid as an adult in society. They are going to kill it. They are going to have tenacity, confidence, and drive to be successful. I think it's great and even though she and I still have our battles, I know that she is an awesome person.

It doesn't mean that I'm not scared for Brielle to turn 2 and possibly be more terrible than Amelie...boy that girl is a fire ball. But, even in the tough times, I can still appreciate the fire inside of them. They are going to be AWESOME!!!

Amelie, AMELIE...AMELIE MAE!!!!

This is what I sounded like today when for the first time I lost my child at the park. Granted, it wasn't for very long, but it was the scariest thing I have ever felt in my life.

It felt like a split second that she was playing on this contraption and then she was gone. I calmly started to call her name and I started getting more and more intense. Then it got very serious and the middle name started coming out....AMELIE MAE!!!!

I was watching my friend's baby while she took her son to the bathroom, so I scooped her up along with Brielle and with a baby on each hip I was running around screaming for my child. What surprised me most was how my thoughts were manifesting in the situation. My biggest fear (beyond just the fear of losing her and what could happen to her) was thinking that I would have to tell Brad that I had lost our child. I don't know why that was so significant.

But, The thing that just shocked me was that people would look at me and just carry on with a smile. I wanted to say "get that !@#$%^& smile off your face and help me find my kid you idiots!!! Not until I started asking people if they saw her did 1 lady start to help me find her. It blew my mind that people could be that oblivious, selfish, or just plain retarded. Personally, I think they were all retarded. I should have told them all to get on the short bus after I finally found her and calmed down. I know, that's not nice, but Dang it...you just don't leave a mother hanging like that.

Finally, the woman helping me said that there was a little girl coming out of the bathroom, but there was a stroller blocking the doorway. I was just praying that it was her. I finally saw my friend and I yelled for her and told her that I couldn't find Amelie. Luckily, Amelie had gone with her to the bathroom and she was that little girl trying to get out. I literally ran over to Amelie and just held her while I cried. It was so emotional. Even into this evening every moment with her had a different meaning. I felt lucky to be holding her, laughing with her, reading stories to her, and watching her tear my couch apart so she could jump on it.

It just happened to be a miscommunication between my friend and I. I couldn't even be frustrated at that. When you find your child, who cares about anything else. Little things just have no bearing on a situation like that.

Wow, what a day. I thank God that she is safe and that he reminded me of how much I love her and how the little things in life really don't matter that much if you have the right perspective.

Tender Roni

I had my first real scare as a mom last week when I realized that Amelie was losing her hearing.  I spent the next hour testing her and trying different things with her thinking that maybe I was overreacting and that she just had a terrible attention span.

But then Brad came home.

We did more tests with her and he quickly told me to call the Doctor.  I couldn't really contain myself.  The rush of emotions was enough to make me want to puke.  Her future flashed before me of struggles and tears and frustration.  Having to learn sign language and the devastation of thinking that nobody is going to want to marry her.  I was choking back tears and I had lost my mind.  I kept my cool on the outside, but I was freaking out on the inside.

We got an appointment with the doctor but it was 3 days out.  That night she got up to go potty and I couldn't whisper to her.  She kept asking me what? and she couldn't even hear me responding to her so she would ask the question again while I was talking.  At this point I was calm about it but days before I noticed that her ears weren't working she was getting in a lot of trouble.  She was frustrated...I was frustrated...and it gave me a glimpse into the life of having a handicapped child.  And, I felt bad because I just thought she was being a selective listener and that she was being disrespectful.

Very quickly after I realized she could not hear me, my frustrations turned into a major nurturer.  I just wanted to give her as much love as I could give her.  It made me realize how much I love her and that I would give her the world.  I will do anything to make her happy and to make her life easier.  It was very touching and good for me to step back and cherish her.

The next morning I decided that I could not wait another day so we got her in that afternoon and it turned out that she had a double ear infection.  I could not have been more relieved knowing that it would soon pass and that she was a wonderfully healthy little girl.

I can't say that I wish it had never happened because it was good for me to tap into my ultra tender mommy side.  We should probably give that character a name because she often fights to get out.  For some reason Bobby Brown's Tender Roni is popping into my head so Roni it is.  Let's pray for my children's sake that Roni makes many appearances throughout their growing up.  I do like her, and I want to see more of her but not under such scary circumstances.

Amelie...I love you so much and I want the world for you.  I'm so glad that you have a strong heart and a family that cares so deeply for you.  Just remember that no matter what happens in life you have a huge support team.  You can get through anything.  My little sweety pie.