In baby talk land...

Amelie (3 1/2 years old):

We went "Viking" and Amelie got a "Piggy Bank Ride". (Piggy back ride)

At church she made a sheep that had "Wolf" on it. (wool)

She also ran around the house looking through her "Noculators". (binoculars)

And when she was talking to my mom she gave the household report that Brielle was awake, Mommy was awake, and daddy was being grumpy.  YES!!!  she said it not me.  It was hilarious.

She sings a bedtime song that finishes with "And nestle into my nap".  She says "Neffle"

Brielle (20 months):

Brielle sings a part of twinkle twinkle little star like this..."Up a word so high".......all day

Her stuffed animal named Muno is "Meenum"

She says butt like BUTT and Amelie thinks it's hilarious and keeps saying "Brielle, say Butt...hahaha"

She also likes to shake her finger and say "NO NO"

Brielle the Tenacious

Yesterday may have been the hardest day yet with Brielle.  As her mom I want to help her figure out her problems and for a few hours I was an epic failure.

For a few months she has been struggling with me working.  She gets very mad at me when I come to pick her up.  I love that she loves her nana so much but I don't like that feeling of rejection.  I ignored it for the most part but it finally caught up to me.  I want my kids to want me, to need me, to love me...all the time, but they are human and that is an unachievable expectation.

Basically, she wouldn't take a nap and screamed for 2.5 hours.  I tried to comfort her and rock her and hold her and talk to her and sing to her.  She wanted nothing to do with me. She was mad at everything I tried.  I finally sat on the floor with her and she backed up and kept shaking her head no.  She didn't even want me looking at her.  I was feeling very anxious but remained calm.  I offered myself to her but she wasn't having it.  I finally put her back in bed and sweetly said it's nigh night time.  She freaked.

Then, Amelie started getting snotty so everyone went to bed.

I reached out to a few people and finally got ahold of my stepmom.  She answered the phone with..."are you crying?"

The feelings that I had for Brielle at that moment were intense and unacceptable but Carolle just listened and then offered some great advice.  The best thing to hear as a mom is that it's a season, it's a phase, and it will pass.  In the moment I feel like I don't like her, I don't know how to connect with her, and I don't know how to be her mom.  These are horrible feelings and once I can step out of the issue I realize it's the biggest lie that could ever be imagined or told.

Truly, it's these moments that make me realize how much I really do love her, I'm so deeply bonded with her, and I have been given the most amazing challenge and privilege...I am her mom.

And, it's these moments that show me why God put her on this earth.  In her youth she will make me a better person, but as an adult, she will change the world.

So, I guess I need to say Thank you Brielle.  Thank you for your tenacity.  Thank you for making me a better person and showing me my strengths and certainly my weaknesses.  It is an honor to so intimately be a part of your life and watch you grow up to do great things.

You are this magical blessing that enriches my life every day.

Amelie's new boobies

Amelie had some weird bumps appear on her body recently. They are fading and all is well. We are hoping it was just some skin irritation. But, she got used to me asking how her bumps looked over the past week and she decided to ramp up her imagination

Finally after a few days, she told me that they weren't bumps, they were her new boobies. Apparently she has lots of new boobies now. She also has 4...yes...exactly 4 new friends called baby Amelie's. They follow her everywhere, they have lots of wonderful conversations with her, and she takes great care of them.

How do these two things go together you ask? Well, tonight she put all of her baby Amelie's under her shirt so that they could nurse on all of her new boobies. Yes, she actually said, "nurse".

Her imagination has been running wild and I love it. It's hard to chose what to document because every day is something so new and funny. I want to compartmentalize everything she does and have it fully documented. That's why I like blogging. I don't have a lot of time for it, but it's worth it. I look forward to her reading this someday and reminiscing about these amazing first years with her. It's tough, and very challenging having little ones but they are so brilliant and amazing. They bring me so much joy and I am so grateful for this experience.

I love you Amelie Mae...and all of your new friends and especially all of your new boobies.

Not wanting to grow up

Until Amelie was born, I was the only kid on the planet that didn't want to grow up. I still remember not wanting to turn 4 and my mom secretly telling me that I didn't have to turn 4, but I did have to go to my party where everyone was waiting for me.

Well, Amelie doesn't want to be 3. She constantly reminds me that she still wants to be 2. And she never says "when I grow up...". She says, "When I was bigger....". I try to tell her that she can't go backwards, but I don't want to break her heart. I of all people understand her pain. I just want my mommy to hold me all the time, wipe my tears, and take care of me. (I would also like my daddy to pay my bills...what do you say, dad???)

The best moment was when she went to the dentist and the dentist kept trying to talk her out of sucking her thumb. She would say things like, if you turn 3 and you suck your thumb you will get monsters in your mouth and I was like...she doesn't even know what monsters are. She then said that her fingers are dirty and that is icky to put them in your mouth. I told her...she doesn't care about dirt. She then tried to tell her that she won't be able to be a big girl if she sucks her thumb and I was like...GREAT...she doesn't want to grow up anyways...thanks a lot.

The dentist looked at me like good luck with that one...I've got nothing left. You can't really penetrate this girl. If she wants something she will get it. If she doesn't want something, she will make damn sure it doesn't happen. Some of my friends struggle with the will of their children and I encourage them to embrace it and try to smile about it. It's a beautiful thing.

Picture that kid as an adult in society. They are going to kill it. They are going to have tenacity, confidence, and drive to be successful. I think it's great and even though she and I still have our battles, I know that she is an awesome person.

It doesn't mean that I'm not scared for Brielle to turn 2 and possibly be more terrible than Amelie...boy that girl is a fire ball. But, even in the tough times, I can still appreciate the fire inside of them. They are going to be AWESOME!!!

Amelie, AMELIE...AMELIE MAE!!!!

This is what I sounded like today when for the first time I lost my child at the park. Granted, it wasn't for very long, but it was the scariest thing I have ever felt in my life.

It felt like a split second that she was playing on this contraption and then she was gone. I calmly started to call her name and I started getting more and more intense. Then it got very serious and the middle name started coming out....AMELIE MAE!!!!

I was watching my friend's baby while she took her son to the bathroom, so I scooped her up along with Brielle and with a baby on each hip I was running around screaming for my child. What surprised me most was how my thoughts were manifesting in the situation. My biggest fear (beyond just the fear of losing her and what could happen to her) was thinking that I would have to tell Brad that I had lost our child. I don't know why that was so significant.

But, The thing that just shocked me was that people would look at me and just carry on with a smile. I wanted to say "get that !@#$%^& smile off your face and help me find my kid you idiots!!! Not until I started asking people if they saw her did 1 lady start to help me find her. It blew my mind that people could be that oblivious, selfish, or just plain retarded. Personally, I think they were all retarded. I should have told them all to get on the short bus after I finally found her and calmed down. I know, that's not nice, but Dang it...you just don't leave a mother hanging like that.

Finally, the woman helping me said that there was a little girl coming out of the bathroom, but there was a stroller blocking the doorway. I was just praying that it was her. I finally saw my friend and I yelled for her and told her that I couldn't find Amelie. Luckily, Amelie had gone with her to the bathroom and she was that little girl trying to get out. I literally ran over to Amelie and just held her while I cried. It was so emotional. Even into this evening every moment with her had a different meaning. I felt lucky to be holding her, laughing with her, reading stories to her, and watching her tear my couch apart so she could jump on it.

It just happened to be a miscommunication between my friend and I. I couldn't even be frustrated at that. When you find your child, who cares about anything else. Little things just have no bearing on a situation like that.

Wow, what a day. I thank God that she is safe and that he reminded me of how much I love her and how the little things in life really don't matter that much if you have the right perspective.

Tender Roni

I had my first real scare as a mom last week when I realized that Amelie was losing her hearing.  I spent the next hour testing her and trying different things with her thinking that maybe I was overreacting and that she just had a terrible attention span.

But then Brad came home.

We did more tests with her and he quickly told me to call the Doctor.  I couldn't really contain myself.  The rush of emotions was enough to make me want to puke.  Her future flashed before me of struggles and tears and frustration.  Having to learn sign language and the devastation of thinking that nobody is going to want to marry her.  I was choking back tears and I had lost my mind.  I kept my cool on the outside, but I was freaking out on the inside.

We got an appointment with the doctor but it was 3 days out.  That night she got up to go potty and I couldn't whisper to her.  She kept asking me what? and she couldn't even hear me responding to her so she would ask the question again while I was talking.  At this point I was calm about it but days before I noticed that her ears weren't working she was getting in a lot of trouble.  She was frustrated...I was frustrated...and it gave me a glimpse into the life of having a handicapped child.  And, I felt bad because I just thought she was being a selective listener and that she was being disrespectful.

Very quickly after I realized she could not hear me, my frustrations turned into a major nurturer.  I just wanted to give her as much love as I could give her.  It made me realize how much I love her and that I would give her the world.  I will do anything to make her happy and to make her life easier.  It was very touching and good for me to step back and cherish her.

The next morning I decided that I could not wait another day so we got her in that afternoon and it turned out that she had a double ear infection.  I could not have been more relieved knowing that it would soon pass and that she was a wonderfully healthy little girl.

I can't say that I wish it had never happened because it was good for me to tap into my ultra tender mommy side.  We should probably give that character a name because she often fights to get out.  For some reason Bobby Brown's Tender Roni is popping into my head so Roni it is.  Let's pray for my children's sake that Roni makes many appearances throughout their growing up.  I do like her, and I want to see more of her but not under such scary circumstances.

Amelie...I love you so much and I want the world for you.  I'm so glad that you have a strong heart and a family that cares so deeply for you.  Just remember that no matter what happens in life you have a huge support team.  You can get through anything.  My little sweety pie.

Are you Lion?

I decided to indulge in some "healthy" chocolate covered pomegranates the other day and of course Amelie wanted some too, so I told her she had to eat a small bag of carrots first.  I sat her on the couch with a cartoon, carrots and the magical bag of chocolate sitting just out of reach.  So I went about my business.

A few minutes went by and she came and asked me for the chocolates again.   I squinted my eyebrows knowing that carrots are not that easy to chew and could not have been eaten that quickly.  

Besides, she had that silly grin on her face that says, "But I'm cute so you should give me anything I want."  I felt myself falling for it and quickly shook it off and came back to reality.  So, I decided to give her a chance at making the right decision.  I asked her, "did you finish your carrots?"  She told me yes, and I asked, "honey, are you lying?"  She kinda laughed like I was the silly one and said ademantly, "NO".  I said, "are you sure?"  Still she was acting like my question was so silly so I decided to ask her, "Do you know what lying means?" 

She said, "Yes".  I was surprised since I didn't really think she would know what lying means even though I was sure she was lying in that moment.  So, I asked her, "What is lying?"  

She answered with pride...."It's a TIGER".

How could I deny chocolate to a response like that.  

Love her!!!