A tribute to our beloved Pam.

Here is what we said about our wonderful Pam on Tuesday.  This was the hardest day of our lives but a beautiful day as well. The amount of love and support we received was phenomenal.

From John

Pamecdotes:

These are some things that Pam loved … She loved animals, especially her horse and her doggies… She loved her friends…close ones and casual – it didn’t matter..  She loved her friend’s pets or doggies … She loved flowers and gardening.. She loved cooking and she was a great cook, (my waist line can attest to that) …. She loved cooking for others…. She loved organizing and decorating parties and making sure everything went off just right…. like soup suppers at church or a baby shower… She loved Jimboy’s Tacos, (something she developed early on after our first meeting); … She loved Marshmallow peeps… She loved to be silly… She loved to be serious… She loved to speak her mind and share her opinion about what she thought was good, right and proper no matter the consequence … She loved to sew and create things.. She loved her family,.. all of them… all the time! She loved her two sisters Tina and Kim, their families and all their children … She loved kids … she was like a magnet to them … She loved teaching her friends children and her own granddaughters how to handle different life situations and how exciting our lives can be … She loved all the holidays – birthdays, anniversaries, St. Patrick’s day, (it includes special food).. and especially Christmas. so she could spoil her family, (especially the little ones), with the “perfect” and “most appropriate” gifts .. She loved to entertain and plan events and parties….She loved to wear jewelry…. She loved our cabin in Lake Tahoe … She loved to travel …. She loved collecting antique glass ….She loved serving the Lord, just by being a selfless model of understanding and grace… and learning about what His perfect love meant for her … She loved to sing… She loved to smile …. her smile was wide, inviting and sincere… She deeply loved her husband and finally… She loved life itself... no matter what adversity was thrown at her, whether it be a physical problem from her many surgeries, or a personal issue that was before her… she prayed about it, strengthened her resolve, overcame and marched forward, not giving up anything in any form…. She left her mark on so many… and was my hero.. We are truly going to miss you very much Pam..!

From Brad:

I will miss you so much mom.  You were an amazing mom, a wonderful grandmother, a loving wife and the protector of our family.  I love your giving spirit which was your true gift.  Your huge smile and even bigger laugh.  I love your sense of adventure that took us to so many places near and far.   I am truly fortunate to have had a mom who so willingly gave me a lifetime of unconditional love and support.

Your gifts, your character, your life lessons, your smile and laughter and everything else has shaped me into the man that I am now.  It is my prayer that somehow my daughters can grow up to be women embodying the same things you have taught me, without having a lifetime of knowing you. 

I want you to know that I will forever miss you and always cherish the time we had together and I love you with all my heart. 

From Amy:

It’s not often a girl gets to say they truly love their mother in law but I get to stand here today and say that I did.  Pam and I took pride in the fact that we actually really liked each other. For many years I got to be showered with her love and treated like a daughter.  And then the babies came along.  It was so neat to watch someone love my kids as much as I did.  She embraced being a Nana wholeheartedly.

I loved telling people I lived next to my inlaws and have them look at me in horror and ask, “how’s that going for ya?” and be able to answer with “it’s awesome”! I pretty much skipped with my girls every time I walk over to Pams singing “to grandmother’s house we go.”  So, nothing prepares you for a loss of this magnitude.

I have felt a very supernatural strength this week and I am grateful for my faith and that we as a family shared this faith together.  I find peace in knowing that she is in heaven celebrating and waiting for us to join her someday in that victory.

Not many know this, but in December I was pregnant with my 3^rd baby but by February I was no longer pregnant.  Pam helped me get through such a difficult and emotional challenge and I’m scared now knowing that that rock next door isn’t there anymore. I don’t know how to be a mom without that support system.

But, while I feel an overwhelming amount of pain that she is gone, and that she has left those 2 beautiful grandchildren here on earth, I find a remarkable amount of joy knowing that she was greeted in heaven by yet another grandchild.  My baby that even I haven’t met. She still gets to be Nana. She still gets to nurture and love on my baby and other family members that she has now joined in heaven.

In all of the outpouring of love this last week, everyone talked about her huge smile, her compassion, humility, selflessness, her hospitality and how giving she was.  She cared deeply for each and every one here today. Her heart had so much love to give and every comment this week that our family received was a blessing and we are so grateful for that support.  She affected us all on a very deep level.

Not a thought passes through us that doesn’t include you in it.  I still want to share every joy my girls give me with you.  I want to send you pictures and texts of what we are doing when we are out and about.  I want you to come through the back door just to say hi.  I want to hear Brielle running to you screaming “MO HUG AND KISSIES” but my life is forever changed.

I’ve never taken you for granted.  I always knew I had something special, but I didn’t know the gravity of it until I lost you.  I didn’t realize how big and beautiful your smile was until I knew I wouldn’t get to see it again.  I’m scared to live without you and my heart aches for my babies.  I pray that I can embody your spirit enough so that they will never forget how much you loved them and how important they were to you.  You treated them with the deepest love and as their mother, I could not have asked for anything better.  You were an incredible grandmother. They were your world.  WE were your world, and you were our world.

I love you and I will forever be changed by you.

https://vimeo.com/91877864
The password for this video is "pam".  No caps.

I'm a butt

Amelie loves a game she created called Animals.  We all pretend to be an animal. I try so hard to enjoy it but I don't always play well.  I get bored with it or distracted but it's good for me to engage, so I do.

Brielle is starting to like the game too.  Tonight as we all put Brielle to bed we sat in her room, had a dance party, read books and gave kissies and huggies to each other.  It was fun.

Of course we promised Amelie that we would all play one round of animals and Brielle is always a kitty.  Tonight for the first time Brielle branched out and decided to be something different.  I got excited and asked her what she wanted to be.

Her answer...."I'm a butt", and then she proceeded to make fart sounds with her mouth.

Thanks for keeping it real Brielle :)

Amelie and Brielle...isms

I figured I need to document some of the isms the girls have these days at almost 4 and almost 2 years old:

Amelie:

I walked into Amelie's room to wake her up the other morning and she was just stretching and she was awake.  She looks at me and puts on some fake waterworks and says with sniffles, "Mommy, I just really really want a real unicorn".   Wow!!! that was hilarious.

Brad picked her up from Nana's house in the evening the other day and when they walked into the house she could smell the crock pot dinner and she says, "That smells wonderfully delicious".  When did she get so proper?

Now, the last one for Amelie is not something I want to admit, but heck...this blog is all about failures so here it goes.  Brad told her that her fan was broken so she looked at him and said, "Damn it".  Yeah...that one's my fault.

Brielle:

wop wop = Flip Flops (which she loves to wear because she is a true California girl)

meenums = all stuffed animals or lovies

dodo & dada = Diego and Dora (whom she can't live without. Each one has to be clenched in each fist at all times.)

owwwweeeee = I had a terrible cold sore and it was so hard to not be able to kiss on the girls, so every time we got close Brielle would yell and point at my lip and say Owwweeeee.  It's been a good week since it healed and she still says it every time she kisses me.  It's cute, but I don't need a reminder that I have a form of herpes...thanks B.

Bubbo Duppies = Pam got these little stuffed animals that Brielle got to pick out at the toy store called Bubble Guppies and she is now clenching to them just like Dodo and Dada.  If sissy touches them at all Brielle comes running and screaming NO SISSY, BWIELLE MIIIINE!!!!

O'Tay Mommy = Brielle likes to tell us no a lot and it's not cool, so she goes in time out.  After every time out I make her say sorry mommy or with a correction she has to say ok mommy.  Well, lately she will say sorry sissy, or sorry daddy, or whoever's name is not my name.  At first I kindly repeated what I was asking for thinking she didn't understand but I now know that she does it on purpose to be defiant.  Clever little girl.  If she choses not to say mommy, she goes in another time out.  I am NOT losing that battle...ever!!!

Yeah...I knoooow = when I tell her something she tends to answer me with "Yeah, I know".  It's cute because she says it a lot and I like feeling like she gets what I'm saying.

That's it for now.  I don't ever want to forget their isms because when we looked at old videos of Amelie this week we were shocked that we forgot some of her isms that were such a strong part of our lives and how the memory flutters away.  It's sad to think about but there will always be new isms to warm our hearts.

AMY!!!!

Many times a day Brielle yells my name...no, not MOMMY, she yells Amy.  I was a little dumbfounded at first and then I realized that she was saying Airplane.  She would point to the sky and yell AAMMMMYYYY!!!!

It still shocks me a little bit but it's pretty cute.

She is going to be two this month and we came across videos of Amelie at the same age and what a huge difference.  Amelie has tons of hair and speaks a lot better.  She was speaking full sentences and Brielle is still struggling to say words that we can understand.  It doesn't bother me at all because I know she is very bright and personable.  She also has tons of chatter so I know she is trying and understands our influxes.  It was just surprising to see the difference.

Sometimes I wonder if it's just natural development or if it's because Amelie dominates everything.  It's been an issue her whole life.  I love it in the sense that she is a natural leader, but it sometimes squashes the people around her and it's a hard issue to handle.  I find myself getting very short with her and I wonder sometimes if I'm too hard on her or not hard enough.  There is certainly no manual for parenting or else we would all be robots.

I don't want to break her spirit but I don't want her overpowering her sister either.

I really see Brielle thrive during the bed time routine when I close her door and just she and I sit on the floor and read books and do some learning, repeating, and asking her questions.  She seems very calm and eager to learn.  Well, tonight Brad and Amelie came in the room and Brielle got antsy and whiney, and territorial.  This tells me that she needs more one on one time and that each night I will continue to dedicate a lot of me time with her.  I too enjoy it a lot.

Moving her to a toddler bed was the best thing we could have ever done as well.  She loves to have the freedom to read books and I love being able to lay with her and laugh and sing songs and say prayers together.

She and I are bonding a lot now and it's great.  I needed that from her.  I've always felt a different kind of attachment with her and I'm feeling much more connected.

It feels good and I love her dearly.  My sweet sweet Brielle.

Growing Up

I am a working mom now and I like it and I hate it.  I miss my girls, but I like making money and I like having adult time.  I especially like using my brain and not being interrupted with screaming and juvenile demands.

The girls have adapted well and everyone seems very happy.  The one thing I notice is that Brielle has a serious bond with her Nana Pam.  Just like work, I love it and I hate it.  I mostly love it but in my insecurities I hate it.  I would have it no other way for Pam and Brielle but sometimes I feel a little jealous.  It's not their fault and I should just count my blessings that they have such a wonderful caretaker that loves them so deeply.

I have that bond with Amelie that we are just super connected but sometimes I can't find the "click" moment with Brielle.  Her busyness and attitude make her very complex.  Although, she is 100% ME.

Since moving her to her toddler bed this weekend I am noticing that connection that I have so desired.  I remember with Amelie, switching her to her toddler bed brought a sense of accomplishment and responsibility.  It's like their first right of passage from baby to kid.  They are so excited when you put the bed in their room but the moment you leave them there by themselves they sorta panic.  They have to control themselves and at 2, that's a hard to do.

I will say that I was AMAZED at Brielle's ability to adapt.  She cried a bit but honestly, she cries less now than she did in her crib.  And, I get to lay with her and look into her eyes while she winds down, sings songs, and giggles. That connection for me is priceless.  It was like a "finally" moment where I just got to hang out with her and comfort her and show her that all I want to do is be her mommy.  I want to laugh with her, cry with her, sing with her, cuddle her, tickle her...etc.

And I want to do these things FOREVER.  I sometimes mourn the baby stages, but since I have no control over it, I realize that every stage is amazing and if I mother them properly, they will always want that connection.

I love these kids so much and pray that we will always feel this connected no matter what our age.  I will support their every desire and need with respect and patience.

Please...everyone...hold me to that :)

In baby talk land...

Amelie (3 1/2 years old):

We went "Viking" and Amelie got a "Piggy Bank Ride". (Piggy back ride)

At church she made a sheep that had "Wolf" on it. (wool)

She also ran around the house looking through her "Noculators". (binoculars)

And when she was talking to my mom she gave the household report that Brielle was awake, Mommy was awake, and daddy was being grumpy.  YES!!!  she said it not me.  It was hilarious.

She sings a bedtime song that finishes with "And nestle into my nap".  She says "Neffle"

Brielle (20 months):

Brielle sings a part of twinkle twinkle little star like this..."Up a word so high".......all day

Her stuffed animal named Muno is "Meenum"

She says butt like BUTT and Amelie thinks it's hilarious and keeps saying "Brielle, say Butt...hahaha"

She also likes to shake her finger and say "NO NO"

Brielle the Tenacious

Yesterday may have been the hardest day yet with Brielle.  As her mom I want to help her figure out her problems and for a few hours I was an epic failure.

For a few months she has been struggling with me working.  She gets very mad at me when I come to pick her up.  I love that she loves her nana so much but I don't like that feeling of rejection.  I ignored it for the most part but it finally caught up to me.  I want my kids to want me, to need me, to love me...all the time, but they are human and that is an unachievable expectation.

Basically, she wouldn't take a nap and screamed for 2.5 hours.  I tried to comfort her and rock her and hold her and talk to her and sing to her.  She wanted nothing to do with me. She was mad at everything I tried.  I finally sat on the floor with her and she backed up and kept shaking her head no.  She didn't even want me looking at her.  I was feeling very anxious but remained calm.  I offered myself to her but she wasn't having it.  I finally put her back in bed and sweetly said it's nigh night time.  She freaked.

Then, Amelie started getting snotty so everyone went to bed.

I reached out to a few people and finally got ahold of my stepmom.  She answered the phone with..."are you crying?"

The feelings that I had for Brielle at that moment were intense and unacceptable but Carolle just listened and then offered some great advice.  The best thing to hear as a mom is that it's a season, it's a phase, and it will pass.  In the moment I feel like I don't like her, I don't know how to connect with her, and I don't know how to be her mom.  These are horrible feelings and once I can step out of the issue I realize it's the biggest lie that could ever be imagined or told.

Truly, it's these moments that make me realize how much I really do love her, I'm so deeply bonded with her, and I have been given the most amazing challenge and privilege...I am her mom.

And, it's these moments that show me why God put her on this earth.  In her youth she will make me a better person, but as an adult, she will change the world.

So, I guess I need to say Thank you Brielle.  Thank you for your tenacity.  Thank you for making me a better person and showing me my strengths and certainly my weaknesses.  It is an honor to so intimately be a part of your life and watch you grow up to do great things.

You are this magical blessing that enriches my life every day.